"Center of My Universe" - from the archives - by Angela Wilcox

Another piece written some time back... Not sure of the exact year... Was written on a napkin.  Probably from a coffee house.

I put you in a place
One you did not earn
The center of my universe
Around which I did churn

You were my sun
My heart burned hot
The center of all
My actions and thoughts

I realized almost
Much too late
The damage occuring
It was my fate

My heart had shriveled
From the heat
It was not good
To plant my feet

Holding on too tight
For much too long
I was too selfish
This was my song

Onward I move
To find a new sun
To grow and repair
When will it be done?

Beating Bad Habits

I was sitting and thinking this morning about why some things so hard.  Most of the time, these things are just bad habits.  Losing weight for instance.  Many of us have had life long struggles with losing weight.  Why?  Why is it so hard just to choose to NOT put something that is unhealthy to our bodies in our mouths?  The concept of how eight loss works is not a complex one.  Yet I know this is not my struggle alone.  Billions of dollars are spent in American fighting obesity, as well as the side effects of chronic obesity.

I have read many times, that if we can do something consistently every day for 14 days - it will become a habit.  We all have many positive habits we have trained ourselves to do over a lifetime - brush our teeth, bathe, make our beds, mow the lawn, clean the house, do the laundry, pay the bills, sometimes even exercise.  I can go one and on.  We know they are habits because when we don't do them, we feel the absence or void.  We know we need to do these things. We also have habits that are not so great - watching too much TV, spending gross amounts of time on the internet (or Pinterest), gossiping with our friends, etc.

So I have decided to try the breaking a bad habit/developing a new habit by doing a positive new habit for the next 30 days.  This will be a test through the end of August.  I am going to choose to focus first on my worst demon - diet.  I am in the group of people that we term the "fit fat".  I have low blood pressure, a nice steady low heartbeat, and I am very active logging miles of walking, hiking, and biking each week.  But I consistently fail on "clean eating", and I probably indulge in too many beers as well!

I will post an update at the end of August on how it went and whether I was successful at developing new clean eating habits.  I do not need wishes of luck here - I need to just CHOOSE to stay the course.  Every day, every meal, every snack is a choice.  I choose to work to develop new habits.

Chaos

It has been over a month since I have posted anything.  My silence has been voluntary... the result of introducing chaos into my life.  It has been one of those spans of time (of which I seem to have many the last year), where you turn everything upside down and inside out, and then wonder if there will ever be order that comes from the midst of this chaos you have created! 

Chaos generally has multiple themes swirling around in its sphere.  One of those themes is usually change.  In fact, change is what often starts the entire tornado effect.  Change is then a catalyst for other themes... And pretty soon, if one is not careful - chaos has ensued.  I think that is where I have been!  

• I changed jobs.  This was a needed change.  I needed to find my soul, my passion, my love for each day again.  I had lost bits and pieces, no, entire chunks of myself at this last job.  So this was a worthwhile change.  
• I also started a side business with friends - something I greatly enjoy!  We "create" beauty out of things that have been cast away.  I love this.  In fact, I wish I could do this full time!  But this too has it's own special types of chaos.  
• I bought a motorcycle again!  It is going to live in another state right now to allow me to travel to it and take breaks, seeing a different part of the world with a dear old friend!  Adventure at it's finest!  

None of these are bad things.  One of the things that will definitely happen from this chaos, is that I will eventually emerge from the midst of the whirling pieces and parts.  I have started contemplating that earnestly.  Will I like this changed me?  A me that is not defined by my job?  A me that looks for other things to do and other topics of conversation than my work?  Will it be a better or worse version of the person preceding the chaos and change? 

Reinvention has been a theme in my life.  Out of this chaos will emerge a reinvented me.  The nice thing is, this cycle can happen again and again!

Undecided

There are many topics that are worthy of a blog post.  Still, worthiness does not dictate inclusion.  Sometimes, the path of one mind may not be synchronous to the paths of others on the same or overlapping journeys.  Yet should this dictate inclusion?  What should dictate whether a topic is worthy of posting to the general public? After all, this is not my private diary, but an opening of my mind and thoughts to the public world.

This is one of the things I grapple with constantly as a blogger. Just because my mind thinks it... Do I need to put it out there?  Mostly I think, "oh he'll no!"  I try to remember the admonition from others that anything I now post is there forever!  Good or bad, it is my heritage and it will live on past me in cyber space forever.  Or at least until someone figures out how to govern and clean up the Internet!

So, I have to think another day or two regarding which article I have already drafted to publish next.

Holy Hell! It's been a year!

Hello dear friend!  I searched out and found this picture on my computer desktop... I still remember the moment I flashed this picture - and that day at the beach - like it was yesterday... And I also remember bonking my head on the golf cart we were all riding around in! I want you to know, that I took this to heart - and I made many changes to my world in an attempt to "Live Sincerely".  I think if you were here to talk about this last year - there would be many, many "Holy Hell's" and perhaps a few other expletives coming through your lips!  And we would have to drink a great deal of tequila! Although I did not have you in my life for very long, the profound impact that you made on my life will be with me forever.  And you will be proud to know, your legacy continues.  People around the nation will celebrate you today!  Truly a life lost worth celebrating!  

Gone For Awhile - But I Am Back!

The last time I posted anything on this blog was in July.  This last year has been very busy,  and that has been my excuse to myself for not writing.  But the truth is, I could not figure out what to write about.  I have no less than a half dozen drafts of blogs of various types, but none seemed quite right to talk about.  So first, a brief but necessary update.

My entire world has changed this last year:  at my job I moved out of development and into management; at home I changed my relationship status from partnered to alone; also at home and extremely disruptive - I sold my 3800 sq foot house, and downsized to a loft with 1100 sq feet! This allowed me the opportunity to live in a hotel with my four creatures!  What an adventure it has all been.  In addition, I turned 50 last October!  Since most of this process of change has been deeply personal, and not really open for discussion with the general public, I just felt at a loss for what to share on my blog.

A few weeks ago I decided that I really wanted to get back to some of my old rhythms.  So I have been contemplating what to do as my next blog post.  Last night I found something a friend of mine texted me this last year... And I knew what my next topic would be.  

The quest for happiness is a universal one.  There are so many definitions of happiness that I am only going to focus on my own.  There are actually several components of self and life that I consider essential for happiness.  

The first is peace.  I have to be able to feel peace within my soul to be happy.  Being able to live at peace has a great deal to do with my actions.  If I can walk through each day, knowing I have done my best to be an honorable person, a strengthening member of society, and a good friend, then I can be at peace.

The second is laughter.  The action of laughing often leads to feelings of joy.  The more I can laugh, the more joyful that I feel.  The more I can laugh, the less I am stressed.  If I find myself in a place, where laughter is absent... I know this is not the right place for me.  

I tend to wake up happy.  The day is fresh, it is new, and it is unpolluted.  It is the times in my life when that is gone, that spur me to make changes.  This behavior is a barometer of the state of my soul, and all that goes with it. When that is dipping low, I know it is time for a change.

So that is what I have done, and what I am continuing to do.  The changes are still coming.  Downsizing and simplifying my life was a breath of fresh air.  It is amazing what we collect as we journey through this life.  It is somewhat freeing to let go of things.  

So for now, I seek simplicity, laughter, and peace.  And within that, I hope to continue to find happiness.

"Past the Dawn" - from the archives - by Angela Wilcox

I lived and tried

     I've no regrets

          I'm looking past the dawn.

My tears have dried

     I'm doing fine

          I'm only moving on.

My path is new

     No one way streets

          I'm no longer a pawn.

My heart beats true

     To only me

          I'm finally getting strong.