Asking For Help When We Are Broken

 November 19, 2023

On November 5th I wrote:  On Halloween this year I underwent my third Rotator Cuff Surgery on my right shoulder.  The second year in a row in Honduras.  Having just turned 59, believe it or not, I am in the best shape of my adult life.  I take no medications, my blood pressure is fantastic, my resting heart rate is low.  I am super active diving 4-6 times a week, and attending a body sculpting class two times a week. I walk at every opportunity.  Over the past year and a half I have lost 60 pounds.  And yet, today, I woke up feeling very broken.

On November 14, I went back to the surgeon to get the staples out and find out what his challenges had been, and get my instructions to start PT.  I came home from that appointment and had, as my mother would say, my once a year "mother endorsed" pity party (you only get one).  The reality of being even slightly disabled, of having to ask for help, and have the ever present fact that I am growing older tossed in my face, felt so sad.  I shed a few tears over all of this.

What has come out of it are some healthy realizations, which I will share here now.  First, as always, a story.  My Aunt Mary was one of my idols as I grew up.  She was so much larger than life.  Part of that was due to the fact that I did not get to see her much as I aged, so my beliefs about her were a lot of speculation with facts plugged in here and there.  But what was true was that she was a vary active adult... like me.  She worked in a "people helping field"... like me.  She loved people and interacting with them... like me.  She was always super supportive of whatever crazy thing I announced was my next "thing".  Then one day, and it seemed so sudden, health issues with cancer and cancer treatment took her down.  She almost died. What came out of that was a woman who was clearly disabled; a woman who was forced to swallow her pride and ask for help on an almost daily basis.  When I would drive to her house on a weekend day, we would talk of this often, and how hard it was.  In my mind, I understood what she was saying to me... but I had not walked in those shoes yet... so while I could nod my head... I did not really KNOW what it felt like.

Oh my Aunt Mary!  I now KNOW.  And I had a few moments of regret that I was not MORE compassionate when you were with me!  And that I did not do MORE.  I know you would pat my hand and tell me you love me and that I have done more than I probably should have done... And I take comfort in that fact. I now understand how hard it was every single time to just keep asking... and how relieved you were when we finally just settled on our weekly chore list so you did not have to ask! I am now putting on maybe just your slippers... I do not claim to walk in your shoes, but I finally understand.

Aging with grace is definitely not something that is coming easy to me... I feel that the lessons have just started!  And I am, perhaps, in for quite a ride!

Forever I have been a helper, volunteering to help my friends do the worst, hardest, dirtiest tasks that they had... moving people, family, myself... always pitching in physically. And those days are mostly over.  I can no longer do that.  Once I am rehabilitated, I will have to learn to not just throw myself out there, at least not physically.  I will have to learn to change my focus and figure out how I can help in other ways. And I will have to always and forever ask for help when great physical exertion is necessary. Beliefs I have held regarding myself for quite some time now, have to be adjusted and altered.  A task I may be at for a little while.

Allowing others the blessing of helping is an even more necessary quality that I must quickly learn the art of.  Asking without feeling the need to reciprocate... without setting up reciprocation in advance... Oh this lesson is oh so difficult.  In fact it may be THE HARDEST of all the lessons.  Ask, let them help, say thank you.  The End.

To my friends who just keep asking, even though I say no more than I say yes, THANK YOU.  From my heart you have no idea... just no idea what this means to me.  I will continue to say yes more, and thank you for not giving up on me and dealing with my crazy stubborn ways!

The Secret Creature - Finally

My first published short story is out and available on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Creature-Angela-Wilcox-ebook/dp/B0C8GWFRKN

As I told a friend today, I started this book three decades ago... As a way to kind of talk myself through the follies of having this huge life secret and keeping that to myself.  And the absolute inability when one has done that to be happy.  I quickly realized that for other people, they also had secret creatures that did not look like my own... So I wanted this story to make adults think... And aspire to the benefits of community and growth... And for younger people, I wanted to create a conversation piece for their adults to talk about communication...  and sharing... The art Arlene did is magnificent... Her ideas were so awesome like giving the girl and the creature the same eyes (because really, the girl and the creature are one). It is just full of fun nuggets.  As an allegory, it is more like The Dark Horse or The Precious Present or The Boy, The Mole and The Horse vs like Pilgrims Progress. So don't be scared when I say it is an allegory.  It is so much more.

And Another Year Goes By

Your life and the things you were so passionate about, opened my mind and my own eyes.  Your death changed my life and helped me to come to terms with the reality of how fragile life is.  I was able to truly acknowledge that life can be taken from us suddenly and without notice.  

Still living my life by the tenants of the Live Sincerely Project which I pledge to again today.

http://thelivesincerelyproject.com/

My favorite statement is this one:

         With a grateful spirit, 

         I will acknowledge my need for others
         and will in turn be loving and generous,
         remembering that every member 

         of a community plays a unique role.

This year I finally got my tat... Think you would approve!

Here's to you Cindy!! Holy Hell!! (I do not say it nearly enough!)

2023 #4 - Daily Expectation Affirmation

Today I will be aware that my world is exactly what I make it to be, and I will release to the Universe any expectations that I have of other people in my world - both near and far.

I will freely move about my day, doing the things that make me feel healthy, nurtured, loved, fulfilled, and motivated.

I will remind myself gently to continue in my awareness throughout my day. I will strive to focus on my work, my daily goals, and of those making sure I am providing my body the building blocks to heal and be strong.

My day today will be a joyful, wonderful, well spent day.

2023 #3 - Consistency With Exercise

Last year I learned a very important lesson regarding my own body.  I did not need to kill myself with hardcore exercises to lose weight.  I just needed to do what I do day in and day out every single day.  Turns out consistency was the key factor for me.

This year, I am going to continue riding the consistency train and see if I can experience success that rivals last years.  I have written previously about developing habits and how long that takes.  You can also read about this on the internet all over the place.  What I want to say is, developing a good habit is well worth the time spent!  

I am most days obsessed with achieving my 10K steps a day minimum.  It forces me to take breaks in my day to run up and down the road my office is located on.  This is a good thing I do for me.  

This year I will continue to be consistent in doing something physically challenging every day.  Whether that is swimming, snorkeling, diving, walking, floor exercises... Whatever it is I will do it every day.  I will remind myself that I am worth the time and effort spent on this daily.  My heart, and my brain, and the rest of me deserves being treated with love and care.  

Consistently.  

Every Day.

2023 #2 - Sleep

Eat Right, Exercise, Drink More Water, Get More Sleep

Anytime you read an article on overall physical and mental health and well being, they almost always include all four of these items at a minimum. (I do not need to beat into you the benefits of these... If you are over the age of 10 you already know this.)

And every single time I ignore the last one.  

I need to rethink this specific behavior this year and watch the impact it has on my health.  Everyone says it will be amazing.  I hope it is.  I have likely lived a sleep deprived life.  I currently average around 5 hours per night.  The goal will be to extend that this year to seven hours.

So here is my plan:

1.  Each afternoon review the next days tasks and determine what time I will need to get up.

2.  Back the clock up and make sure I am in bed in with enough time to meet my daily goal and still accomplish what is necessary.

3.  Stretch the time slowly, like I did last year with steps: Note: these are bare minimum... More is a-ok!!

--Jan and Feb 5:30

--Mar and Apr 5:45

--May and Jun 6:00

--Jul and Aug 6:30

--Sep to Dec 7:00

For me getting to sleep is no problem (did I mention I am sleep deprived?).  Staying asleep is the problem.  I need to use whatever means will be effective to meet this goal.  

And viola.  I will hopefully have a happier body and mind giving it on average two additional hours every night. This works out to 720 hours removed from my schedule. I am going to make this a priority this year.

Here is to a happier, healthier me!!  I love myself enough to put some effort in and make this change for myself!

2023 #1 - Self-Talk

Healthy, positive self-talk -- If you start browsing the internet on this topic you could be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of sites, apps, books, audio books, etc. on this topic.  Especially right now at the onset of a new year, we are littered with information and posts on daily affirmations.  Even Snoop Dog got into the mix last year with his song containing Affirmations for Children. I think Adults may have loved it more than kids!  I know I did.

Why is this?  Why are we having to be reminded on a daily basis to be nice to ourselves?  Fact: we now live in a world where we are bombed day in and day out on how someone thinks we "should" be... Advertising aimed at reminding us of everything we are not, but here is a way to get there. Little of this daily comparison of our bodies, our clothes, the cars we drive, or the food we eat turns out to be a positive message.  Instead it leaves us in a place where we compare, and are shown to be lacking.  And lets not forget that billions of dollars have been spent by retailers learning how to send these messages in a way that we will respond to by agreeing that in fact, we are lacking X. We are manipulated subconsciously every single day.  And the more time you spend watching TV and browsing the internet on your phone or computer, the worse the effect of this can be on your overall positive mental health.

Last year, a friend of mine told me they spent a day saying out loud to their dog everything they were thinking.  This friend reported being a bit  shocked at how mean they are to themselves.  While we chuckled a bit over that... It set me to thinking.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why are we so hyper critical in ways most people would never think of being to others?  Is there a larger purpose in this behavior?  Because we all seem to do it. And this person does not own a TV or spend time on the internet.  They are, overall, a very healthy, grounded individual.

Is all negative self-talk bad?  I really hate that word - bad - as it definitely brings up such negative responses, but it conveys what I want to express here.  I think negative self-talk can serve a purpose for us.  It can motivate us to do better, to be better.  It can remind us to work harder, or faster.  It can be our way of kicking our own selves in the arse.  But I think this is only helpful if we are aiming it at actions and behaviors, and not at the core of who we are as a human being.

An example.  I can do something stupid, and say to myself, "Geez Ang, that was a really dumb thing for you to do.  It did not help you accomplish xyz at all.  A better choice might have be to do abc next time".  This is far different than saying "Geez Ang - you are the stupidest rock in the road.  You are so dumb and just never learn, do you?  You may as well have not been born".  The first points out the error of my behavior and has a suggestion to remedy it the next time.  The second is aimed at the core of my being and is a degrading, unhelpful call out regarding who I am, which is in fact, untrue.

Often, people who shoot at their own core do it because it has been done to them as they grew up.  A teacher, a classmate, a parent, a sibling - anyone that child respected could have provided these negatuve messages which were then internalized without censor. So it becomes a habit as an adult to keep repeating these to ourselves. A bad habit.  A habit that we need to break.

And how do we do that?  Through positive self-talk!  By taking a few minutes every single day to remind ourselves how great we are... How smart we are... And all the things we will accomplish this day.  You know the messages you need to hear... Write them down - text yourself - sticky note your mirror or refrigerator - write them on your hand (my personal fav)... Whatever you need to do to make sure you interject some positive self talk into each and every day this year!

Here's to becoming the best you that you can be!!  Here's to an awesome 2023.  We got this!

2023 - What Will You Bring My Way?

2022 was a transformative year for me in every way.  I moved to Roatan Honduras on Jan 1 and never looked back.  I told people, if they asked why, I was searching to find my soul again.  I found it and so much more.  It was such a positive experience for me that I decided to make this little island my temporary home. I was able to stabilize my emotional life, which in turn allowed me to shed 50 pounds of protective armor.  The weight came off fairly easy (which was somewhat annoying) and I have to believe that the extreme reduction in stress coupled with an outdoor environment that I love made this possible.  

Some other highlights of 2022 in brief:

***AWilcox Consulting LLC was born and I went back to work for me

***A second business venture with a friend was also hatched and it will come to life in 2023

***"The Secret Creature" was removed from a file box and is on it's way to being published in 2023

***Two other books were started... It is a atretch dream to say either will be ready for publication in 2023 so don't count on that!

***An office was leased at Beach Desk in Roatan and I finally successfully separated work and home

***I tore my right shoulder up and had a major surgery in a third world country -- successfully (so much goodness came from that negative turn of events)

I made many new friends who taught me so much about life, communication, living each day to its fullest, and appreciating the now. These journeys I am hopeful will be joined by many new ones.

I decided in 2023 that I would try to start each day with some sort of reflection or affirmation. Here we go.  Goal is to post at least 200 of these this year. They will all be in the general blog section under this Title naming convention "2023 #1 - Topic Name".  

I wish for everyone their best year ever... Filled with more laughter, joy, and adventures than you ever dreamed was possible. Reach out and grab them all - they are there and yours to be claimed each and every day.

I cannot wait to see what 2023 is bringing my way. See you on the beach... Or in the water... Maybe even blowing bubbles!